On careful consideration
I have thoughts of who I would like to be the being I envision in my mind. What have I been these years, an infant being of mortal worry. An imprisoned slave in bars that I imagined. A wraith of worry a mortal mind. A flustered whirlwind of concerns. A being awash in the agitation of trying. ……….
I let go, I released fear, forgave myself for having it. I went still as if I heard my name, was it on the wind ? From where? I didn’t move,standing so still letting all the pictures I’ve painted drain from sub and super conscious.
Just seeing the air, just feeling the wind on my skin, my lover, the earth beneath my feet, the breathe from my body, I hear the rhythm the vibration ringing ripples in the sea of existence, ah the strength of this fullness astounds me in its simplicity.
My heart is clear and in tune to this rhythm I find. I am no longer afraid. Now is the time. I ride toward this new quest the quest to just be now to tune myself to the rhythm of existence the magic I am beginner no to make. I knew it would be here in my heart all along.
I am a lot of things, too responsible not responsible, compassionate / hateful and not understanding. I am a failure and a survivor creator hero! Gorgeous ugly strange sexy awkward fast slow athletic with diabetic tendency. All these labels can be given in fear as a way to be sure we don’t face the brightness of possibility. The unknown.
All these labels follow the fear around in my head. I replay moments, That I am still judging, repeatedly. I showed love and was shot down or I tried to connected and was disconnected. Was I trying to start a tradition of kindness ease and comfort or am I what I think other people label me, am I the label I fear?the movie is playing in my mind and and riding me hard, fear, sadness, rejection, and self accusations until I’m paralyzed and my mind reflects it right back out. My original intention had been to let a person know that I care. It turned out my act of caring was not in their vocabulary, and it doesn’t matter what it was cause the point is the destruction I’m reeking in my own mind world.
Is the reason I was living in a paralytic fear state for two days, because I still carry with me the original fear. That original fear being the one from childhood bullies and carted with me as a reminder not to connect through all these years. The fear that said your not valid or cool or meaningful enough to be witnessed and validated so don’t try cause it will hurt. That fear became a creature in my body a guard dog at 5he door to my heart my own 3 headed gatekeeper. Really this gatekeeper made sure I’d never be authentic or enjoy close moments with family made from friends.
It’s very similar to my insistent worry, it vibrates the same this fear worry sadness panic ball. How do I decide to be ok with rejection and fear the panic show playing in my mind?
I just choose to act as I would like to with respect love consideration compassion. These are things I was born with these are me! I will give and not worry about rejection because the gift of authenticity vibrating out of me will attract the like reaction, Those soul family members that find each other for moments in each life. I will say to fear I see you and offer you this cup of soothing compassion and I choose to be boldly with wisdom and insight compassion and love even when no one understands that is ok I’m smiling even if only I can see me.